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Stepping into the Lead

Updated: Mar 24, 2023

I'd wait for you, In the nebulous space between us, To take the lead, Consciously unconscious, I was too scared, To have a voice, To be felt, To be seen, Because I'd have to unlock my truth, To go back, To disarm past demons, To chant to myself, I'm here. I exist. I matter. To step into the lead, I first have to step into myself, With past selves emotionally beaten into nonexistence, Now coalescing my matter is an epic force of will. I'm here. I exist. I matter. And after my will is gathered, I fall off balance, I don't have the muscular differentiation, To isolate, To hold what I want as separate, As mine - not yours. I'm here. I exist. I matter. I'm only just learning to articulate. To have a felt sense, of my own desires. I know you can't fulfill my fantasies, If I don't tell you what they are. But I'm still stuck, Trying to thaw the words, My wishes chipping at the ice, Fighting to crack open the glass lake, My voice frozen in terror. I built this crystalline castle to keep everyone safe. On a faulty foundation. Showing its cracks. And you inquire about its structural integrity, Standing in the mirrored ballroom, Inviting me to lead a dance. I know clearly now, I want to Waltz into the Moonlight. As this ice castle melts, I gather the scattered words, While I rebuild the will, I hold my center, and begin to grok. I'm here. I exist. I matter. And so do you. Will you make sure my feet are firm beneath me, lest I fall? And will you move, in step, Next to me, for a little while? So that I might internalize the felt sense Of myself - On center. Only then, In the nebulous space between us, Connecting from a sound place of confidence. Will you find me, Stepping into the lead. Consciously creating a shared center with you.

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